Introverted views on solitude, maturity, and day planners.

"In muddy grass we stand side by side
With our knuckles interlocked
Black dresses flood the cemetery
In this cliche tragedy

Just do as you're instructed and....
Take this razor and cut your palms
I'll do the same until a river of crimson begins to flow
Now drip your ruby red over the casket
A funeral for my once loved youth"

Black Dresses, The Spill Canvas

Lately, I've found myself becoming more and more introverted, Not in a self-absorbed sense, only caring about the affairs of myself, as opposed to the world, and the people close to me, but in a sense that i don't have many people close to me. Since i moved out to school, i've been met with a plethora of new friend possibilities, people that normally, I'd love to get involved with, become friends with, and make long-lasting friendships with. But, i've found myself seeking more personal friendships as of late. i'm not in a stage of my life and my growing up that i need 'friends.' i'm not looking for people to just be aquaintances with, people who i see on a regular basis, attend social events with and 'hang out' with. I've been seeking people to connect with on a more emotional level, not as romantic intrest only, but people that can really help me to grow, and people who i can really involve my mind with. Sadly, i'm quite picky when it comes to these people. Notice though the word choice, Sadly, not regretably. i do not regret the fact that i dont' make many close friends. in fact, i hold a respect for myself in my ability to assess and decide on a person in the early stages of aquaintanceship.

I think that this is a positive development, something to be regarded as a post-modern 'coming of age' even. It's my way of continuing the character development in my biography. it's a way for my character to stop so much of the external affairs, so many of the preoccupations that break down the subconscious thoughts swirling about within. The pro's of such an act, a breaking down and compartmentalizing of social connections, is obvious and certain. it makes daily life almost more civilized, and controlled. you worry about yourself, and about what effects you on a momentary basis, as oppose to worrying how your actions change the days of those near-friends. It helps to build a deep emotional understanding of your own mind, and helps to bring people in to understand you also, and help to build your mental functionality. Of course the advantage of having a small group of people your close with also means you have someone specifically qualified to talk to about most issues you may encounter (that need an outside consultant).

The cons are less well defined. you may find yourself feeling lonely, while finding real connections, and it may take quite some time to build a group you truly find worthy of trust. Also, you may (quite infrequently) find yourself in an unpredictable predicament, one that you may not have someone qualified in your circles to help you fix. Like a businessman with all of his contacts in a Rolodex, when the day comes that he needs a plumber, what happens if he doesn't have one within his numbers? does he find another one? one that he has no previous knowledge of a track-record, or of his abilities? There is a very real chance that someone who has a small group of close friends will encounter a time when he needs a plumber.

Many middle aged people have no close friends, no Rolodex of plumbers, carpenters, welders, heck, anything really.. Whether they just never made any really close friends early in life, insisting on being friends with everyone at once, or they just grew up anti-social, it doesn't matter. So, many of these people, they join social clubs. Be it a church group, a extra-religious support group, a sporting club (golf clubs, softball leagues, etc.) they all have one thing in common, they directly promote making new friends. These people, 35-55 year olds, going to new social events like the first day of kindergarten. unfamiliar with policies and the habits of others, not really knowing much of anything they're coming into. it's an interesting social phenom.(It's indirectly a pro of the tight-knit small circle development in the years of a twentysomething.) I think that this oddly usual event is something that leads to the forceful nature of the middle class American dream. So, in a very indirect nature, the small group theory would be breeding a more independent, self motivated middle class of people.

Why am i thinking about this? Looking so intently at the topic of introversion, and emotional self-dependence? Because as a photographer, i regularly find myself over-categorizing my life, and compartmentalizing my time. and for me, it works, well. it's relaxing, it's calming, and a good thing to keep me on track between school and work and growing up in generation X in the so called 'Best years of my life.' Every night, i look over the next couple of days in my phones calendar, and i make adjustments to time alotments of certain activies and events i've scheduled myself for. as i perfect my digital dayplanner, it calms me down, and settles my mind with the knowledge of what is to come. But, i look at this as a step in my maturity. It's the precursur to paying bills and suffering through the hecticness of children and living in an unpredicable world. College and work, along with my age group and usual life, both Chaos and order, timely and scheduled together in the convient apparatus of a cell phone.

Is maturity rationizing ones life, bringing a balance and understanding of the chaos and order within the world? Thats a topic to be debated by many, and to be battled personally.

(The song from, although quite strongly worded, in my interpretation is pointing at the willful but saddening act of growing up. it's using the metaphor of suicide, the destruction and total control over ones life, to describe the accepted giving up of ones childhood, and childish ways.)