"So this is the new year, I don't feel any different. The clanking of crystal, explosions off in the distance" -DCFC
The new year has characteristically been viewed as a moment of self reflection, and a time in which we make plans to better ourselves in the coming 365 days. Weight loss, healthy lifestyles, jogging, to treat the family better, to treat ourselves better? What do they all come to? self gain. But that's another topic. For now, i just care to share my mind for the last few months.
' A lot of changes are going to be happening in your body'
We laugh, but puberty is the point in which you not only wake up as a man, but you tend to become a bit more interested other things... In the minds of most parents, it's the beginning of the end. the time in which they must let go of the childhood days where life was all about staying up an extra hour to watch the big-kid shows, and the sun going down was no longer the all-important reverse alarm clock, signaling it was time to end the day. Those are the last days of incense, soon enough, we will be encountering Sex, drugs, (rock and roll), the way of the world, the social status, the Caste system that has come from our former democracy. Those are the days we start to think freely.
Many people consider 18 to be the next real stepping stone. a newer standard for timing manhood, and the time in which we begin to gain real responsibilities in the world. for the privileged, this may just be the addition of a job, and possibly a car into their daily life, for some, it means taking on a world alone, and the true separation from there childhood homes. These are the days we begin to question everything.
Then, an age i can't fully understand yet, but understand the social concept of, 21. At this point, you ARE an adult, you have every opportunity, and the chance to do whatever it is your bound and determined to do. And you can legally drink while you do it.
I myself are at one of those 'in between years' that doesn't really work onto the scale as much. I've been provided many oppertunities to be put into the shoes of someone much older, from significant responsibilites, to a much more matured peer group. I live on my own, in a place where the nearest family is my own, 2 1/2 hours away. Quite the task for an 18 year old (turned 19 soon after moving in).
Now, in the time it's been since i got here, roughly 4 1/2 months, i've had a considerable amount of time to myself. I came here not really knowing a soul, and have not exactly taken it upon myself to broaden my friends from the level i'm at now.
In short, i've been bored and had time to think. A lot.
I've been thinking about everything also, from why i love watching movies, to why i decided to get into photography, to my future plans for life, to my next meal. usually the last one is a regular topic on my mind. But, More then you'd think, the others weigh in above it. sometimes a meal is just a pop tart cause i can't focus enough to make something that can legitamatly be called a meal.
On top of this overwhelming amount of free thought, i took a 3 week lapse in judgement and stopped thinking all together for the whole of Christmas break. Some people take the occasional day off for a recovery day, i wait a year and cash it all in at once. Anyway, i just kind of cast inhibition into the wind, and did whatever came to mind at whatever potentinal moment.
In short, i was bored. communally.
But, it also gave me a welcome respite to let my thoughts coagulate.
and i came to a few solid conclusions. things that, if formated correctly, could be viewed as new years resolutions, and one step closer to that all important 21st birthday in which i am free on this earth to do whatever i damn well please. the few i care to share are listed ( the resolutions, not the 'things i damn well please' to do)
1. I wish to graduate from art college, and join the peace corps. by doing this, i'll not only help to build myself up as a person ( some people call it getting character, but usually it's not associated with a bad thing or a mundane task. lets stick with building up myself), but i'll help to make contacts for my future job options, such as press photographer, conflict photographer, war photographer, or heck, extremely socially consince fine art photographer.
2. I need to think more about religion, and what i want to align myself with. i simply need to spend a large amount of time praying/meditating and doing whatever else is nessacary to find out what i belive in, in terms of the greater cosmos.
3. Open myself up, and wait. Learn to wait for whats coming. the only problem is, when it comes to a larger scale, i'm quite impatient. i'm ready for life, i'm ready for love, i'm ready to start working on happiness. So, i guess
4. i need to learn to be patient.
5. About a month ago, i personally credit myself and afew very good songs to finding the entire point to life, religion and music itself.
Love. Yes, it's cheesy, yes, it's been said. but i have spent so many countless hours trying to figure out why i'm here. like a little kid saying 'why' every three seconds.
why do i wake up every morning.
-i enjoy showers, and i have to attend my classes.
why.
-i'll fail them if i don't, and i want to graduate.
why
-cause it's my gateway into the feild i want to spend the rest of my life persueing
why
-because i think that most of the people in this world are blind, deaf and dumb. they need to be woken up, and someone needs to be able to address the people that have the money, so that maybe, i might be able to make the world a little better.
why
-why do i want to make the world better? because everyone deserves the oppertunity to be happy. (note the choice of word. OPPERTUNITY. NOT RIGHT. NOT RIGHT TO PERSUE. NOT JUST 'TO BE HAPPY'.)
why
-cause i hope i'm a good enough person to be happy when everyone else is
why
-because i'm not sure what'll make me happy.
why
-because the one thing that made me happy was silly and fleeting
why
-because it wasn't lasting
why
-probably cause of me
why
-cause she didn't love me back
why
-who knows.
why
-wait. that doesn't make any sense. but i did just figure something out writing that. love? crazy!
something that made me happy at one point was a blind, senselessly happy emotion. i just felt it at a horribally badly timed point in my life.
i think the point of living, the reason we get jobs, the reason we buy houses, the reason we go to college, the reason to keep getting up every morning and not just keep sleeping till we sleep 'the big sleep' is to feel true and utter joy, otherwise known as love.
i think secretly that everyone on the planet, atheiests, belivers, pentacostals, we're all fueled by love for ourselves and love for another.
so, thats the point. i wake up every morning hoping to love and be loved not only by another person, but by the whole freaking world. no matter how corrupt, no matter how self-centered it may be, i want nothing more. not power, not wealth, nothing is more important then
Lima
Oscar
Victor
Echo.
it's about love people ;)
( why is it that this is such a happy blog? maybe because i finally feel like theirs a reason to keep doing this life stuff. my reason for so long was just routine. i woke up every day, i took my next breath every moment, simply because 'thats what you do.' i honestly feel like i'm going to start looking at things differently. tell me i'm setting myself up for a letdown. a failure, i don't care. i've got 50 years to find the right person, and i'm going to be patient, and just let life happen.)
Ps, sorry for the rant. it's 4am, and i may not be as lucid on paper as i am in my head.
-KDM
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